Diet doom

Well the has arrived. No more delicious desserts, or before dinner snacks. Just the bare necessities. Meat and veggies. And for me ...very small portions. I have been at this yoyo diet thing for awhile now, and not to brag but....I'm pretty good at it. Unfortunately at this interchange if my yoyo diet life...I need to only yo. That's right I said it! Just....YO. I have decided by simple inaction and lack of self control to allow my self to reach the almost top of my top yos. This is not good. It will take more than a week to lose all this weight....and that's a problem. Mainly because after a week of dieting and exercising, I am tired and hungry. I'm hoping that talking things out on this psuedo paper; diary blog that I can maybe even reach 2 weeks...or 52. Whichever comes first. So cheers to a happy gym day/eat right Friday.
Is it sad that I'm already trying to weasel out of a healthy dinner on Friday night, because I'm going to the gym in the morning? I feel like I'm already in diet jail. And I haven't even broken the law yet! It is on; like bac-on! Ooooh.....bacon....yuuummm. Thats right its a struggle... No its more than a struggle ..its a fight! The #frinkinfatfight

Total fat loss

So I went to the gym this morning, so that means I should have lost like 5 lbs by now right? And I can eat whatever I want because I burned all those calories........ Hahahaha!!!!
I so wish this was true! Because I feel fat NOW not in 3 months, I can't fit into my clothes NOW! Plus I'm starving today.....the little bit of exercise made me super extra hungry. Plus I'm exhausted..... Thanks to the little bit of extra energy I exerted this morning. IM READY FOR BED!!!!!

At the gym

Well here it is 5:00am in the morning. I have been at the gym for an hour, and I want to go back to bed. As I sit here burning a few calories on the bike, I have time to reflect on my thoughts. I actually have a lot of emotions today. I feel disappointment in myself for not exercising more consistently. Angry for letting myself get this far out of shape. Embarrassed by how I look in the glaring light and unforgiving gym clothes. Excitement because I actually got here. Relief that I'm on the path to doing better. I guess maybe I avoid the gym and procrastinate about going. Maybe the raw unending barrage of ugly thoughts towards myself are being avoided. Ignored is a better term. But not in the right way. Sitting at home asleep, or watching TV does decrease these thoughts, but they are not gone, nor is the cause of them healed. I need to be nicer to myself.

Failure to launch

Well my plan for anonymous exercise time was foiled by the hubby deciding he was going to stay up late last night. When my alarm went off at 11pm he was still awake. I'm not sure yet why its such a big deal for me to work out alone, but I really need it. I want peace and no judgement or comments, or distractions. I want to be alone because I'm embarrassed by how overweight I am, and how out of shape I am.

Another thought before I start.

I guess what I will do is rotate my workout times throughout the week. I have three windows of opportunity. Late at night after 11pm, during my lunch hour, and sometimes right after work. I guess also early in the morning sometimes too. My back is KILLING me too. It hurts more when I don’t move around enough, yet it hurts to move…aarrrggg. I will start with my FIT TEST from Shaun T Insanity DVD set. I have my alarm set for 11pm. Hopefully everyone will be asleep and I can exercise in peace.

Almost start day

Tomorrow is payday which is my main catalyst for the deferred start date. I have the Insanity DVDs at home already, but that requires I work out at home. Unless I get a portable DVD player. However where would I work out if not at home. I think what I really want is my exercise time to be mine. I don't want it to cut into my Family time. When I worked out in the mornings, when I came home after the gym I guess I wanted a little more me time to get ready before the kids woke up. My boyfriend wanted us time and felt I was being selfish to not want the same as him. Part of what drove me stop working out was my frustration with the feeling that if I could muster up enough energy to for my gym me time then I was automatically required and assumed to have enough energy for us time too. And I didn't. There were days that I only had the energy for the gym and barely that. So I sacrificed going because I couldn't promise the continued energy for us time every day that I worked out. Nor did I feel like it was a fair assumption. So now moving forward when do I carve out time for this exercise? A time that is mine.

Mental prep

Today is less about work, and more about how I FEEL about work. And exercise. And being overweight. Part of me wants to go home and eat...part of me wants to cry because I have so much personal work to do, and part of me wants to start my program early. I'm dreading that feeling of frustration when I can't fit exercise into the right time or space to meet the wants/ needs of everyone else I live with.