Day 2 #whole30

Tonight is the close of day #2. So far. So good. I have been eating healthy, following the rules. I feel like I should be thin ALREADY!!! Yay! But I'm not. None of my clothes fit. My thighs crash into each other when I walk. My fat feels like its going to rip off my body when I have to pick up my speed. I feel good.....yes. I feel good. I'm proud of myself for making a change. #healthyfamily
Its not to lose weight, its to be healthy and strong. I will continue to impress myself with my determination and preserverence.  My body is a Temple, not a garbage dump. What I give is what I get...even to my self.
It's not just a struggle its a #frinkinfatfight

First attempt

I attempted my first #whole30 meal. Almost nailed it. Except the seasonings had sugar in them...crap!

Prep time! Weekend!

Over the last few days, I have enjoyed immersing myself in the acts of eating and reveling in the emotions surrounding food/drink/emotions/socialization and the really loud voice of discontent that is constantly yelling in my head. It's seems I have an inner evil diabolical person. This evil person eats donuts without thinking, turns off the gym alarm before good exercising me even wakes up. The evil one convinces the good one all the time that eating this or that is a good decision. The evil one tells the good one that I deserve to be fat because good let evil turn off the alarm. And convinced the good one that some ice cream was OK. Anyhoo I got off track a little. I went to Costco and bought all #whole30 compliant food. The family transformation starts now. I will be all in for the #whole30 and the rest of the family will ease into it as the bad food disappears. Tomorrow I cook. The struggle is real. This is my #frinkinfatfight

Still cleaning

I've been working on cleaning out my kitchen in preparation of starting the #whole30. I read through some of their super informative blogs, and it talks about different ways to ease the family into eating healthy and following the #whole30 too. The one I picked was the gradual. I just simply won't replace the bad stuff when it runs out. I will need to cook more. Which brings me to my other thoughts that have been perusing my mind the last few days. I've been trying to analyze why I'm making the choices in food and drink that I do...and could I easily have chosen something else or nothing at all. Here is what I found: Starbucks. I did fine without it, but I felt less like a part of visible society. I had no social interaction without Starbucks today. And what I did get yesterday, made me feel.......normal. Pizza: absolute convenience. 89° in our apartment at dinner time. So hot to cook food, not very many cooking options as of yet. Mental note....I will need to keep the fridge full enough with cookable stuff. Chipotle: my lame attempt to eat healthy and instead I ate myself sick. Awesome. Pizza: (yes again) I WASNT EVEN HUNGRY!!  But don't want food to go to waste.... So I ate it. Whole foods lunch bar: I simply needed the human interaction with the coworker I went with. Though once I was there I did not have the self control necessary to embark on an endeavor as big as "The Lunch Buffet". Ice cream: shareable moments with the kiddos. (I just can't tell them no). And it's only Tuesday. Yikes. My moods and feelings play a big part in food decisions. Let's hope meal planning and food prep will help in this area. I should probably tackle the whole " I feel invisible " feeling too. And the lack of human interaction. I wouldn't do well in prison. I also am concerned about my food budget with these healthy changes. No offense to anyone but healthy food is expensive! This is not just a struggle, its my #frinkinfatfight

Cleaning up my life

So Friday was a cheat day....hahahaha! I had potato chips, fruit and cinnamon rolls that day. It was awesome!......and a little gut wrenching.......but still awesome! On Saturday, my friend; who is the epitome of "effortlessly skinny" said " I have lost 12 pounds from this eating clean thing I've been doing." At this point I'm not sure where she lost these pounds from, but I was intrigued nonetheless. She said it was a book and I have to read the whole thing first, and prepare before I start. The book is called "The Whole 30" by Melissa Hartwig. So I went home and bought the book and read it cover to cover. Well I downloaded it, but you know. Anyhoo, the book talks about reseting your system, and all of the things it helps. I have decided to undertake this 30 day challenge for a variety of reasons. I have also decided that I will make my family go through it too. Here is why: my 9 yr old is allergic to EVERYTHING from wheat, corn, milk, peanuts, most nuts, all grasses, trees, dusts, fish, and everything else we tested him for. With the exception of codfish and mold. He has no outward symptoms of these allergies except he has difficulty focusing, sleeping, he doesn't really enjoy eating anything, except chicken, and he becomes tired easily. My 3 yr old despite all of his allergy testing coming back negative; has terrible eczema, and scratches those areas until they bleed. My hubby is also allergic to everything, and uses his inhaler multiple times throughout the day, and takes allergy medicine daily, and still can't breathe out of his nose, for who knows how long. The #whole30 hopefully will help all of them. It will help me too, help to boost my energy, clear up my acne, and hopefully help me to end my evil relationship with food. My body is supposed to be a Temple, and right now it feels more like a hungry monster living in a dark scary cave. I will win this battle. The #whole30 book explains that you need to clean out the bad stuff first, if not all than at least most of it. So this week I will be posting alot of food labels, and pictures of recipes that I can eat in this new way of clean, healthy eating. This is my #frinkinfatfight

Cake n fried chicken

It's almost Friday!!!! Let me rewind to Tuesday though. I was in the zone ALL DAY. I had my salad for lunch, my eggs for breakfast, and I was ready to go home and cook my healthy little dinner, when my calendar dinged and reminded me I had a meeting after work. Luckily for me I still had my trusty coffee from the morning to hold back my hunger pains while I sat through an 1 1/2 of talking. So when I got home my hubby had made dinner and made me a plate too!! Yay for me! Boo for my diet. So there went Tuesdays all day diet. Oh well, there is always the next day...right? So Wednesday morning came super quick and I slept right through turning off my alarm to go to the gym. So that was out. Again..strong morning. Right before lunch my boss offers to buy me lunch! Free food!! I never turn down free food ....ever. So of course it was not a small healthy salad....it was fries and an Italian sandwich of some sort. I have no self control and ate all of it. I thought to myself... I will just skip dinner. So I'm trudging through my work day.. And here comes a coworker with one of my favorites!.... CAKE!! I LOVE CAKE!! So I ate the whole piece and it was a-maze-ing. I went home and ate fruit for dinner. Now here we are on Thursday .. Day 4 of my "diet"..."healthy Lifestyle" "eating right" life change. Good morning and lunch. It's the darn dinner that gets me. My son wanted fried chicken from the deli. I got me some roasted instead of fried...I'm thinking... "Healthy" right? Well......3 chicken legs, a salad, and 6 Jo-Jos later...I finally stop eating. Tomorrow I will make it through all three parts of the day! It's not just a struggle its a #frinkinfatfight

Diet day Monday

What a day to start a frinkin diet!!!! I do have some highlights from today. I made it to the gym at 4am and worked out! Not crazy Shaun T status, more between the chair exercise lady and cruising to the 60s. Though... I did burn 100 calories. I would like to take a moment and acknowledge that I am SUPER happy that I have the morning off from the gym tomorrow. I had my yogurt for breakfast, I skipped Starbucks...(not on purpose) I had salad and grapefruit for lunch. I was on a roll for Monday. Then I came home.
I was Starving!!!! The fridge is full, and my plan was to cook a turkey patty. I stared into my fridge, there were so many options just screaming at me! So now came the mental convincing. The leftovers will go bad, save the frozen meat for later. So......I had a pulled pork sandwich with cheese and Jo-Jos with cheese (I love cheese). And yes I stuffed my face. When it was all said and done, it was super delicious, and I was nice and full :-) I am SUPER tired because of the darn gym, so I decided to make myself a cup of coffee (of course with creamer). But then the real kicker of the night came...my son wanted some ice cream. I tried to deflect the hit with " have your dad get it, your brother will share, you can wait until later". None of them worked. So back to the evil kitchen I went. I thought to myself "I want some :-(". Already sad that I'm missing out on life's sweet exceptions. I decided I would again try  to stay on the healthier side of dessert. I had cool whip and fruit......and chocolate syrup. The problem is I thought to myself.... "Im eating healthy so I can eat more of this than I could if I ate ice cream! Right?! So now I'm super stuffed, AND exhausted. I've had to go back and re-type like 10 sentences. I will try again tomorrow. Tomorrow though I will assume I'm going to be starving when I get home. I will be ready. This is not just a struggle its a #frinkinfatfight

Diet days are here to stay

I ve been doing alot of thinking and cleaning over my Project Weekend and I have concluded that my entrance into the world of fitness will require a little more finesse and strategic planning than I had originally anticipated. I can however immediately alter my eating habits and start my weight loss. I went shopping today and planned out my meals for the week. Greek yogurt for breakfast, salad for lunch, and turkey patty and a veggie for dinner. Maybe if I can start to lose weight the exercise will feel easier. I am also hoping that my excruciating back pain will decrease soon. I really need to show myself that I care for me and want me to be healthy. What a challenge. #frinkinfatfight

diet day...jk!

So I woke up this morning super excited because today was not a scheduled gym day! I didn't go yesterday either, but I had the guilt all day about not going so I didn't have the same enjoyment and celebratory feeling. Anyhoo....this is "project weekend" for me in the house cleaning department, so the first thing I did was pack up the kids and drive to Starbucks. I always have "healthy eating" on my mind, so I bypassed buying a treat this morning. I had decided (as I do many mornings) that today is the day I'm going to start my diet. I thought about it again while I was eating the rest of my sons chocolate croissant, and again later when I shared a GIANT Costco muffin with my kids. By noon I was starving because...you know...I hadn't eaten anything yet today (other peoples food doesn't count) so I had a healthy banana. Yes! My diet is going great today! A few hours of scrubbing, and a few otter pops later...here we are at dinner time. I of course am starving...more than normal because I actually did something today. I started cooking dinner for the kids and searched the fridge for something "healthy" for me for dinner. I concluded that today is not a good day to start my diet after all. So I dished up a plate of the kids delicious dinner and thoroughly enjoyed my last meal. (Non diet meal of course).

Where's the motivation

Where is my motivation? I have been asking myself this question for awhile now. I sat down today logged into my tablet fully prepared to purchase some motivation in the form of a membership, DVDs, weight loss meals, exercise equipment....pretty much anything and everything I could spend money on that in some way or another guarantees me I will lose weight quick. Here's the kicker....I already HAVE a gym membership, I HAVE workout DVDs, and I have access to a complete weight loss meal plan through my work for super cheap. So after wasting a solid hour and a half (that I could have spent exercising, or cleaning) I finally decided that I'm going to have pay myself the money to get motivation, because I have already proven to myself that paying an outside force for it doesn't (hasn't) worked for me. I need to overcome the minor obstacles that I am facing in the path to a healthier more fit lifestyle. My obstacles (excuses) are ....its too hot in my apartment, not very much space in my apartment, its too hot in my apartment, my back hurts, I didn't get enough sleep last night, I don't have my meal plan ready yet, did I mention it is too hot in my apartment? Maybe I will unravel the mysteries of the universe tonight, and by morning know EXACTLY where my motivation is hiding. This is my #frinkinfatfight

Diet doom

Well the has arrived. No more delicious desserts, or before dinner snacks. Just the bare necessities. Meat and veggies. And for me ...very small portions. I have been at this yoyo diet thing for awhile now, and not to brag but....I'm pretty good at it. Unfortunately at this interchange if my yoyo diet life...I need to only yo. That's right I said it! Just....YO. I have decided by simple inaction and lack of self control to allow my self to reach the almost top of my top yos. This is not good. It will take more than a week to lose all this weight....and that's a problem. Mainly because after a week of dieting and exercising, I am tired and hungry. I'm hoping that talking things out on this psuedo paper; diary blog that I can maybe even reach 2 weeks...or 52. Whichever comes first. So cheers to a happy gym day/eat right Friday.
Is it sad that I'm already trying to weasel out of a healthy dinner on Friday night, because I'm going to the gym in the morning? I feel like I'm already in diet jail. And I haven't even broken the law yet! It is on; like bac-on! Ooooh.....bacon....yuuummm. Thats right its a struggle... No its more than a struggle ..its a fight! The #frinkinfatfight

Total fat loss

So I went to the gym this morning, so that means I should have lost like 5 lbs by now right? And I can eat whatever I want because I burned all those calories........ Hahahaha!!!!
I so wish this was true! Because I feel fat NOW not in 3 months, I can't fit into my clothes NOW! Plus I'm starving today.....the little bit of exercise made me super extra hungry. Plus I'm exhausted..... Thanks to the little bit of extra energy I exerted this morning. IM READY FOR BED!!!!!

At the gym

Well here it is 5:00am in the morning. I have been at the gym for an hour, and I want to go back to bed. As I sit here burning a few calories on the bike, I have time to reflect on my thoughts. I actually have a lot of emotions today. I feel disappointment in myself for not exercising more consistently. Angry for letting myself get this far out of shape. Embarrassed by how I look in the glaring light and unforgiving gym clothes. Excitement because I actually got here. Relief that I'm on the path to doing better. I guess maybe I avoid the gym and procrastinate about going. Maybe the raw unending barrage of ugly thoughts towards myself are being avoided. Ignored is a better term. But not in the right way. Sitting at home asleep, or watching TV does decrease these thoughts, but they are not gone, nor is the cause of them healed. I need to be nicer to myself.

Failure to launch

Well my plan for anonymous exercise time was foiled by the hubby deciding he was going to stay up late last night. When my alarm went off at 11pm he was still awake. I'm not sure yet why its such a big deal for me to work out alone, but I really need it. I want peace and no judgement or comments, or distractions. I want to be alone because I'm embarrassed by how overweight I am, and how out of shape I am.

Another thought before I start.

I guess what I will do is rotate my workout times throughout the week. I have three windows of opportunity. Late at night after 11pm, during my lunch hour, and sometimes right after work. I guess also early in the morning sometimes too. My back is KILLING me too. It hurts more when I don’t move around enough, yet it hurts to move…aarrrggg. I will start with my FIT TEST from Shaun T Insanity DVD set. I have my alarm set for 11pm. Hopefully everyone will be asleep and I can exercise in peace.

Almost start day

Tomorrow is payday which is my main catalyst for the deferred start date. I have the Insanity DVDs at home already, but that requires I work out at home. Unless I get a portable DVD player. However where would I work out if not at home. I think what I really want is my exercise time to be mine. I don't want it to cut into my Family time. When I worked out in the mornings, when I came home after the gym I guess I wanted a little more me time to get ready before the kids woke up. My boyfriend wanted us time and felt I was being selfish to not want the same as him. Part of what drove me stop working out was my frustration with the feeling that if I could muster up enough energy to for my gym me time then I was automatically required and assumed to have enough energy for us time too. And I didn't. There were days that I only had the energy for the gym and barely that. So I sacrificed going because I couldn't promise the continued energy for us time every day that I worked out. Nor did I feel like it was a fair assumption. So now moving forward when do I carve out time for this exercise? A time that is mine.

Mental prep

Today is less about work, and more about how I FEEL about work. And exercise. And being overweight. Part of me wants to go home and eat...part of me wants to cry because I have so much personal work to do, and part of me wants to start my program early. I'm dreading that feeling of frustration when I can't fit exercise into the right time or space to meet the wants/ needs of everyone else I live with.